Both were the same, only one had more freedom to move around in the cage. And just that little ounce of more, led to her undoing.

It was not that he did not love her, he loved her in the unusual way that older boys tend to fall smitten with much younger females. It must be clarified, since this type of love is not general, it is romantic and special and somehow completely separated from the sexual lust that traps humanity. There is a magic in it, the way there is in the lyrics of Sweet Child of Mine. Inside of a tormented man, his love is pure for this girl. It relates to something that he loved so long before, in that short span of honesty that only exists in childhood.

I received this particular devoted admiration at age ten from teenage boys at the bowling alley, an affection that was often denied to their girlfriends, was freely given away to me. It was not in a perverse way, it was actually sweet yet motivated by some sort of desire. The first love I received from the opposite sex was a kiss through Axle Rose's lyrics, a quiet, devoted gaze that put poetry to everything I did, and kindly ignored their girlfriends. And the way that these teenage boys loved an ten year old Katie Madonna Lee, was how Butch Yoder loved Julie Ann Mabry.

He loved her because to him, she was pure, untouched by the world outside. And what drove him to hold her hand was that he wanted to protect her from the things that corrupted his heart. The lust in his heart was to live out a kind gesture, such as moving the hair from her face, listening to her giggle when sang to herself, and to keep her always the way he saw her.

And this desire to keep her the same, to keep her pure, is exactly what made him burn with sexual lust. He lacked the foresight to understand his emotions and did not suspect that once he crossed that boundary, his feelings of respect, of protecting her, would change. Now, she was corrupt, she was no longer the pure little thing that he rescued from a meth party thirty miles from South Bend. He was angry that that she let him do such a thing to her, even though, at the time, his motivations were romantic. Suddenly, she had fallen like all the girls, lurking outside, in rooms willing to do anything to keep a man, willing to do anything just to get attention, she was all the girls that he had vulgar and short encounters with. Those encounters he had because he could. And there was something in him just as ugly and gross those moments. But he longed to be redeemed from such actions, and he saw Julie Ann as that possibility to be pure.

He felt that disappear, and to him, it was her fault. She should have known what his true nature was. She should have known that he would turn on her. And now, he hated that she changed, that she would reach for him and anticipate lust. He cringed. No longer would he be curious and fondly think back on her on the way to work, about what she was doing, and how she sang to herself and talked about her cousin Britney. She, like that house had become a burden, all were dependant on him. She was no longer the wide open space out his window. She was another bill, another responsibility that he wanted to escape from.

That was how he met her. He was at Lonnie's house, a house that all types of invisible lives flocked to. There, they'd do all activities that invisibility grants a person, such as unlimited drug use and irresponsible sex. There's no slate counting sins or time when you're not a part of the world. And Butch found himself there in this hole in time.

There is an expiration date on life in Indiana. There is an unspoken deadline ticking, and you must leave by the time you are twenty one or time has you. It it because at certain age, time drops you and there you are. Time holds a strange pace within the state lines, and nothing can make your presence known anymore. And Julie Ann was still safe from what he and everyone else in the house had discovered. That now life only amounted to paying bills and escaping momentary from it, by any means.

At one time it was not like this. There was mystery, possibility out there in the wide open mouth of Indiana. He'd used to be able get lost out there and never want to leave. He used to fall in with every bit of it, and felt life pulling him towards something special. But time had taken that away. Maybe he had waited for too long before leaving, maybe he wanted a glimpse of what all the smart kids with money weren't sticking around to see.

The thrill to living was gone. There is a life that happens to everyone else in the world and there's a life that happens here in Indiana. Television shows confused him. No one on television ever looked as tired and dirty as the people in Indiana. They had clean houses and nice hair, they had places to go, and the threat of being homeless never seemed to loom over their whole existence. He wondered where those people lived and if he moved there, if he be as clean and full of things to do and people to see.

He thought to himself. He should have left and moved to some city, found some density there that would have kept him living. And here, watching girls that never had dads sort meth until they chewed their teeth out, was not life. But it was all there was besides television shows and church. So he went, attempting to forget too about how he ended up living out his mistakes and his shame for staying in a place that never would offer him anything but frustration.

And then Julie Ann wondered in, and in her he saw that was something he could effect, something that he could discover. She, unlike all the naked girls around him, was untouched by her parents mistakes so far, she was unaware of what life amounted to here. And he felt something pierce his heart that had been gone for so long. Which was why he wanted to get her away from Lonnie's house.

She looked confused and lost, looking for her cousin Britney, he urged her to leave and offered her a ride. Which a shoeless Julie Ann accepted upon being called "Amish" by a methed out hag. Butch led her to his "piece of shit" car, a 1980's Grand Marquee passed down to him by deceased grandparents. He watched through his peripheral vision, Julie Ann nervously fidget with her hands, and hide her smile. She was nervous. And that made him feel like he was giving her something special, as if she would go home and remember every piece of this moment.

And she did. In that car, as the morning broke over the industrial cornfields in South Bend, they both were given a freedom only offered in car on a lonely highway. To each other they were new and perfect, and the colors of the sky complimented these feelings, and allowed a silent romance to take place. They were free to each other. Butch Yoder was free from his rented house, and the person attached to the activities at Lonnie's house. He was a new person to Julie Ann and himself.

Julie Ann leaned out the window. And touched the radio. Her hair blew wild. Butch quietly agreed with all of it.

Julie Ann was touched by the familiar feelings of freedom she had with her Mother, Susan. They were always on the run, running away from a bad situation, running from homelessness. And the only time they had to be happy or free was inside of a moving car with the radio turned on. They'd be safe momentary, and get to watch the wide open space be beautiful instead of it be a threat to them.

Freedom. She fell in love with him for giving her this. She fell in love with him because it was like touching the moments with her mother, that no one besides Britney would let her talk about.

By the time they reached Julie Ann's Aunt and Uncle's house, she had forgotten all about Britney. She forgot all about the fight that took place earlier. Julie Ann happily touched the texture of the seat and stared at Butch's beautiful face. She never wanted to get out of the car. She wanted to buy red shoes and a tight jeans, like the girls had on at the party. She wanted to rip the "Amish" dress off and dance in secular clothes. Julie Ann gazed off in his direction and didn't notice the police car sitting in the drive way.

"Looks like you got some punishment after you." Butch matter of factly stated. Shocked, Julie Ann froze, she knew she could not enjoy anything. Everything good in life had to be met by some horrible punishment. And now she was going to go off to jail, just for being in a car with a boy.

"What should I do?" Julie Ann blabbed. But before she was given an answer, Aunt Marsha's hands ripped out the door and shrill cries cut off anything Butch could say.

"Get out that car! Where were you?" Aunt Marsha grabbed Julie Ann's face and said, "Britney is dead, where were you?"

The outside world had been leaking in for a long time. It was the smell of mildew growing on the wall, water dripping from a roof that there was no time or emotional motivation to fix. There was work, a job that went to, and excuse for why he could not move, why he didn't have time to do anything besides watch television.

If Julie Ann had entered his life briefly and then wondered back home, he would have surely loved her forever. Curiosity over the potential she'd blossom into, would keep his mind engaged, replaying fantasies about the time he'd pay a visit to the grown woman, Julie Ann Mabry. And she would have something to give him that no other lady had, she would be both a child and a woman to him. She would be both pure and both sexual. He could be with her and not feel as if he was corrupting a child, rather he'd feel that he was connecting equally. They could have a life that they watched on television sitcoms, where families joked with each other in clean, middle class houses. And all the feelings of being lost would be gone.

Photos by Catherine Berry.
From the feature film, "Woman's Prison".